Saturday December 16th, Snow Place Like Home, @Roy Wilkins Auditorium

Saturday December 16th, 2023

Bout 1: Bodies of Water vs Maul Rats

The regular season concluded with 2 bouts on December 16, with the first one pitting the winless Maul Rats against the 1-1 Bodies of Water. The Bodies needed a win to remain alive in the fight for the #1 seed in the playoffs. The Maul Rats opened the scoring with a single point in the first jam, but 9 points for Fanny Smack in the next one took the lead for the Bodies of Water. The next two jams were low-scoring, coming out to a total of 2-1 to the Maul Rats, but they were followed by back-to-back 8-0 jams for the Bodies of Water to bring the score to 26-3. Triple Shock Latte answered back with an 8-0 jam of her own for the Maul Rats, but was unable to kickstart a rally. Polar Blair scored 3 for the Bodies in the next jam before Chippa Tooth exploded with a 12-0 jam to bring the lead up to 41-11. So far, the Bodies’ defense kept them in control despite the number of lead jams being about even. 

In the next jam, Velvet Wench scored 12 for the Rats, but the Bodies put up 8 to keep the Maul Rats from making up significant ground. The Rats would have a chance in the following jam, with Little Rascal starting on a power jam, but the Bodies’ blockers held firm to allow Chippa Tooth to go straight from the box through the pack to take lead jammer. The jam would end scoreless. The Bodies of Water then extended the lead to 63-23 through 6-0 and 8-0 jams from The Quacken and Chippa Tooth, respectively. After that, though, the Maul Rats went on a respectable run of lead jams. It started with a long, grinding 3-0 jam for Velvet Wench, who was unable to take lead jammer for the first 1:30 of the jam. The next jam was 4-0 for Triple Shock Latte, then Gams had a 2-0 jam to cut the deficit to 63-32. The following jam was 4-3 in favor of the Bodies of Water, then Fanny Smack ended the half with a 12-4 jam to restore the Bodies’ 40-point lead. The Maul Rats would need to rattle off some big jams if they wanted to avoid an 0-3 regular season.

The Rats began the second half with two lead jams, though Triple Shock Latte and BooBoo only combined for 4 points in them. That progress was quickly erased by 4 points from The Quacken in the next jam. The next two jams summed up the night perfectly: Velvet Wench got lead jam for the Maul Rats but only won the jam 1-0; Chippa Tooth won the next one and put up an 8-0 score for the Bodies of Water. The next jam, a lead jam for Gams, was scoreless, keeping the bout at 91-44. The following jam was one of the most unique jams of the whole season, as Triple Shock Latte got lead jammer, scored 4 points, and passed the star to Womanatee, who put up 7. This was the first time all season that a lead jammer passed the star later in the jam, and possibly the only time where a jammer scored before passing the star to another jammer, who also scored. The Quacken did have 8 points, however, preventing the Maul Rats’ combined 11 from making a significant dent in the deficit. The next jam was 8-0 for Chippa Tooth (despite taking a penalty), which extended the lead to 107-55. 

At this point, the Bodies of Water were nearly doubling the Maul Rats’ score. If the Rats were to cut into the lead, they would have to do so soon, and they did. A monster 19-0 jam for Velvet Wench preceded an 8-0 jam for Triple Shock Latte, which brought the score to 107-82. All of a sudden, the Maul Rats were within 25, but that was short-lived. A quick 3-1 jam for Fanny Smack, followed by a 12-5 battle between The Quacken and Velvet Wench, re-extended the Bodies’ lead to 34 points. Needing to start a comeback, Womanatee got lead jam for the Maul Rats but was only able to take the jam 4-1. The next jam went 12-3 in favor of Fanny Smack and the Bodies of Water, who then got an 11-0 jam courtesy of The Quacken to take the scoreline to 146-95. Triple Shock Latte did pull back 7 points in the next jam, but the Bodies of Water closed out the game with an 8-2 jam to win 154-104. The loss ensured that the Maul Rats would finish the season in fourth place and take on the #1 seed in the semifinals, but that top seed was up in the air. The Bodies of Water finished the season 2-1, but wouldn’t know where they finished in the standings until after the second game.

Bout 2: Roller Vortex vs Wednesday Warnings

The final bout of the regular season pitted the unbeaten Roller Vortex against the defending champion Wednesday Warnings. A win for the Roller Vortex would secure their spot as the #1 seed for the playoffs, while a Wednesday Warnings win would result in a three-way tie for the top spot. Lexi Cuter began the game with a 4-0 jam for the Vortex, but would have hoped for more, as Warnings jammer Bri Zuss was sent to the box. A couple quick jams followed, as Chips’n’squawk and Shocktart each put up 4-0 jams to snatch the lead for the Warnings. The lead went right back to the Vortex, however, as Wheelie Nelson capitalized on two opposing jammer penalties to put up an electrifying 16-0 jam and give the Vortex a 20-8 lead. Lefse 4 Dead had an opportunity to expand on that, as Major Threat began the next jam in the box since their second penalty had yet to expire, but the Warnings’ blockers held firm and allowed Major Threat to take lead jammer and score 4 points to Lefse 4 Dead’s 0. Bri Zuss scored 3 to cut further into the lead in the next jam, but called it off when Vortex jammer Captain Cordelia was sent to the box, allowing the Warnings to begin the following jam with only their jammer on the track. The strategy worked, as Chips’n’squawk scored an 8-0 jam to snatch back the lead for the defending champs. Shocktart expanded the lead in the next jam, scoring 12 while R.I.P.unzel was stuck behind a wall of Warnings. 

The Warnings were on pace to follow that with another big jam, but an injury to Vortex pivot Hornet called off the jam with the Wednesday Warnings only scoring 4 points. Still, this brought the score to 39-20, which became 40-20 after Bri Zuss had a quick jam where she was closely followed by Wheelie Nelson and could only score a single point before calling it off. The Roller Vortex finally stopped the run in the next jam, as Lefse 4 Dead took a tight 6-4 jam over Chips’n’squawk. However, the Warnings were right back at it, following that up with a 4-0 jam courtesy of Shocktart. Needing an answer, R.I.P.unzel took advantage of a power jam to score 20 points – the largest of the night by any team – and bring the Vortex back within 2, 48-46. However, that proved to be merely a flash in the pan, as the Warnings were back to their dominant ways after that. An 8-0 jam for Bri Zuss and a 4-0 jam for Chips’n’squawk restored them to a 14-point lead. The next jam was 2-1 in favor of the Roller Vortex, but those 2 points were the last ones scored by the Vortex all half. A penalty-filled next jam ended 8-0 in favor of the Warnings, with their pack holding strong once again when their jammer, Bri Zuss, was in the box. The following jam was 1-0 (another jam where both jammers raced out of the pack at about the same time), then Shocktart concluded the half with an 11-0 jam for the Warnings. At halftime, the Wednesday Warnings led 81-48.

The Roller Vortex needed to begin the second half strongly to have a chance at a comeback. The first jam looked promising, forcing the Warnings to pass the star, but only ended 3-2 in favor of the Vortex. A grinding following jam ended 2-0 to the Warnings, and the Vortex would begin the next jam with their jammer in the box. That allowed the Wednesday Warnings to capitalize, as Chips’n’squawk put up an 11-2 jam to take the lead up to 97-53. The Roller Vortex did make a bit of a run after that, starting with another 3-2 jam. They also added a 4-0 from Captain Cordelia and an 8-0 from Battlerina to narrow the deficit to 99-68, a solid but not insurmountable difference. However, after that, the Warnings got back to what they had been doing in the first half. The next two jams were nearly identical: the Warnings picked up 3-0 victories while their blocking forced the Vortex to pass the star, something that was a common theme for them over the course of the bout (and the season, really, for trailing teams). After that, Shocktart took advantage of a Lefse 4 Dead penalty to bust the game wide open with a 15-0 jam, taking the score to 120-68. The teams alternated 3-0 jams after that, then Major Threat scored 2 points in the following jam before calling it off because they were injured. Despite much of the half still yet to be played, that 2-0 jam was the last time either team would finish a jam scoreless for the remainder of the bout. In the next jam, Shocktart took lead jammer but was actually beaten by Wheelie Nelson, 4-1. 

The following jam was long and low-scoring, with excellent blocking on both sides, as the Vortex won it 2-1, but jammer Captain Cordelia was sent to the box at the end of it. That allowed Chips’n’squawk and the Wednesday Warnings to begin the next jam on the power jam, but she only scored 4 points before being sent to the box herself. The resulting Vortex power jam allowed Captain Cordelia to redeem themself with 8 points. Still, that 8-4 jam only brought the Roller Vortex within 46 points (131-85), and the clock was ticking. They began the next jam with a power jam, scoring 10 points in the process, but failed to truly make a dent in the lead, partially due to Chips’n’squawk scoring 4 after being released from the box. The next jam was another high-scoring one for the Vortex, with R.I.P.unzel scoring 11, but Kattoostrophe scored 2 and the Vortex couldn’t get the huge break they needed. Despite the solid run, they still trailed 137-106. The following jam was another one typical of the second half, as What the FAQ took lead jam for the Warnings but only scored 1 point to Captain Cordelia’s 4. Still, the Vortex would need a miracle to erase a 28-point deficit in the final jam, and it wouldn’t come. Although Battlerina took lead jammer, the Warnings played clean derby to stay out of the box and actually won the jam 12-8. This brought the final score to 150-118 in favor of the Wednesday Warnings, moving them into a three-way tie with the Vortex and the Bodies of Water for the #1 seed in the playoffs.

Despite the three-way tie, the Roller Vortex secured the #1 seed, closely followed by the Bodies of Water at #2, the Wednesday Warnings at #3, and the Maul Rats at #4. January’s semi-finals bout will see the Roller Vortex face off against the Maul Rats, followed by the Bodies of Water against the Wednesday Warnings.