Dec 10, 2013 | Bout News

Pain By Numbers: the Preview

The holidays in Minnesota. Whether cruel, pretty, or just plain cold, you need to get away from it all for a while.

We just happen to have such a getaway this Saturday. A little jaunt to the heated and Legendary Roy Wilkins Auditorium. The Golden Skate tournament is underway, and one team is looking for the opportunity to go 2-0. Will Rockit fans go home happy, or will the Garda Belts’ Shamrockers be talking about another great victory on their way out of the Roy?

Also in action, the ABS and the Dagger Dolls. Both teams are looking for a win to start 2014 out right. Let’s run this bout down, derby fans.

Preshow: There’s a team of women athletes playing a sport here in Minnesota even longer than the MNRG. The Minnesota Vixens are in their 16th year and will be throwing a little football with our league.

Halftime: Holidays = Polka. Yes, your beloved Bratwurst Brothers will be back in action.

After-Party: CAMP. CAMP. CAMP. We love this bar; we’ll see you for drinks afterwards.

First in action: Garda Belts v Rockits

Records:

Garda Belts 1-0 (+123)

Rockits 1-0 (+3)

Top scorers in November:

Garda – Slambda Phage: 121 pts (8 of 10 lead jams)

Rockit – Commander Nix: 76 pts (4 of 11)

Garda – Shiva Shank’n: 27 pts (4 of 6)

Rockit – Dreidel Robber: 24 pts (1 of 6)

Rockit – Rhea Volt: 22 pts (4 of 9)

The Problem with a Phage: A lambda phage is a nasty virus whose attack vector involves injecting an innocent host bacterium with its own DNA.

A Slambda Phage appears to be a nasty attack organism (or ‘jammer’) that finds an innocent host team, stuffs it full of good defensive tactics that let her and other similar attack organisms (Shiva, Scoots, Smoke) move freely, and rides it to victory.

The Rockits cannot allow Phage to run roughshod in her jams. No team can hope to win in a forty-minute bout when an opposing jammer scores more than one hundred points. They’ll need to build recycling Red Walls, forcing Phage in twos and threes off the track, then make her do it again. You can stop a virus; you just need to find the proper cure.

Ana Volt, meet Rhea Stick: They look nothing alike. They don’t sound like one another. However, someone last year noticed that these up-and-coming 9th-season recruits – Ana Stick and Rhea Volt – make a magnificent duo, and started the joke that they’re really the same player. You can make a strong case that VoltStick won last month’s game for the Rockits in the final jam with a just-in-time offensive block by Ana as Rhea skated through for victory. Right place, right time. Watch out for these two.

Low and slow: The Gardas have their groove this year. They are grinding out opposing jammers and are keeping them from getting any momentum on the track. Is that because they’re knocking opponents to the ground? No; it’s because they’re putting speed control on the other team. Don’t get through. Don’t get speedy. Play slow and intense while making a lane for your jammer. The Gardas kept the pressure on in November. They kept rookie standout Destiny’s Problem Child to 20, and left Tearitup swinging for the rafters. They’ve got a seasoned jammer rotation to go for in the Rockits. Speaking of those jammers…

Squeakier than thou: Interesting point from the Rockits/ABS game: Rockit jammers only went to the box twice. Dreidel Robber, Commander Nix, and Rhea all know the lesson of what happens when you sit in that chair for a minute; the other team ramps up and your own team starts losing focus…then joins you in the box. The situation will get even more desperate if Phage catches the power jam; last month, she scored 40 and – with the help of tremendous blocking – broke the back of that bout. Stay clean, Rockits.

Winning is cool: Whoever wins this bout will be in excellent shape for March’s semi-finals. Should the Gardas win, they will have a near-lock on the 1st place berth, taking on the 4th place team for the right to play for the Golden Skate. In the case of the Rockits, every point that they would win by would count TWICE towards getting that top spot on the tournament board.

Last word from Rockits co-captain MeshugEnough: The Gardas-Rockits bout should be a good one to watch. We haven’t played this team yet like this season, like we had the Dolls and the Bombshells in October’s round robin tournament. My personal opinion (if you may agree) is that of the other home teams, the Gardas have the most distinctively different style of gameplay than the Rockits – they tend to rely on aggressive offensive blocking, while the Rockits focus on honing our strong defensive walls. When opposites like that converge on the same track, it’ll be an exciting game.

Not playing: MeshugEnough (Rockits), Kit Shinkicker (Rockits), Frigid O’Shaughnessy (Gardas), Rita Rawkus (Gardas)

On the hunt for a W: Atomic Bombshells v Dagger Dolls

Records:

Atomic Bombshells 0-1 (-3)

Dagger Dolls 0-1 (-123)

Top scorers in November:

Dolls – Shiver Me Kimbers: 48 pts (6 of 7 lead jams)

ABS – Fannie Tanner: 47 pts (6 of 8)

ABS – Roley Ann Lena: 42 pts (5 of 6)

ABS – Freeze Baby: 26 pts (3 of 6)

Dolls – Destiny’s Problem Child: 20 pts (3 of 6)

Allure of the Garden State: Let us first welcome the newest member of the Atomic Bombshells…back from New Jersey, a member of the very first session of the Debu-Taunts, and a member of the Garden State Rollergirls. “Hockey” Jess LaRotonda. Yeah, you’re pretty much going to love her. Watch her go.

The last jam: If this comes down to the final jam, watch the Bombshells carefully. They’ve been caught looking by a last minute score-change of several times in their history. The ABS can score the points to win almost any match handily, but the last jam is full of last-minute decisions.

ISOJ: The Dagger Dolls had a great Gilded Steak tournament. They turned on the talent, they introduced speedsters (Destiny’s Problem Child and a resurging Psycho Novia), and won the one-night lightning round event. The Garda match showed that more work had to be done. The Dolls were kept to 70 with only three jams in which more than five points got scored. The reformation of the Doll jammer pack is a work in progress, but they’ll be coming up against the Bombshell buzzsaw pack (or as we sometimes refer to it, “The All-Stars”). The Dolls’ offensive backbone will be – as ever – Shiver Me Kimbers; it’s going to take more than #667 to get the win.

Five fouls, no waiting: The rule of thumb is that fans don’t see blockers in their first year. Rookie Kung Pow Bitchin’ is definitely an exception to the rule. Even from the production crow’s nest at the top of the Roy, you can see every move Pow makes (bringing to mind an earlier woman that wore #313 for the MNRG – the magnificent Misfit Maiden of the ABS). However, there’s a downside to those big moves; Pow got thrown out for her array of illegal hits. There’s a mighty player hidden in Kung Pow; if she can control the beast, the Dolls will have YET ANOTHER bruiser to hold back their enemies.

Minnesota Nice: A quick aside. Roley Ann Lena scored 42 points against the wiry, wily Rockit pack. She went 5 for 6 leads, and would have outscored Fannie Tanner if it hadn’t been for Fanner’s last-minute clinic on clutch jamming. Roley’s going places. On the other hand, those ‘places’ could be the outside of the track if Dolls Aurora Whorealis, Naughty Kitty, and Kayzilla pile on. Roley and her ABS jammer teammates will be playing against the more physical Dagger Doll defense.

Not playing: Muggsy Marauder (ABS)

That’s all the news.*

* London Calling: Almost all the news. We want to wish Juke Boxx, former captain of the MNRG All-Stars, former Dagger Doll, and former Atomic Bombshell, the best of luck as she goes across the Big Pond. You haven’t seen the last of this woman; start watching the roster of the London Rollergirls…

OK. That’s all the news. See you Saturday!

Reporting from where all the women are strong, all the men are accessories, and all the children turn left,

– Garrison Killer